Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
