the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
