I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
