dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
