The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
don't judge my taste in strippers
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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