3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
there is glitter all over my balls
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
