Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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