I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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