my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
