im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
