I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
