either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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