how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
