put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
