I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
organizing the empties. That sober.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed