I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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