i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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