Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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