When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
