thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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