For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
