Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
