Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
