the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This is my gift to your gina
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
