I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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