did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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