so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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