His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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