the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
