all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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