I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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