I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
