Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
