Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
