If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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