Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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