He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
