What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.