I am in a vortex of obligation.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
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Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.