Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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