My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...