My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.