Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?