im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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