I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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