True but thats because hes a fetus.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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