I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
