my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just found puke in my bra..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
