what day is it and did you see me today?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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