Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
