just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
