for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
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Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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