Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
