I think my vagina is haunted
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
