I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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