I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
