I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we made out on top of his cat.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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