that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
