Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
